Accepting.

Start writing this post at 22:18….

So hello, I haven’t posted on here in a while. Who cares anyway?
Things went from bad to worse, and now things are ok but they’re also not ok. I don’t really know what is going on, I don’t really know how to cope with things anymore. I kind of feel numb, but my anxiety has gotten really bad. The people I live with don’t really talk to me, they would rather write tweets or ignore situations than actually confront things that is on their mind. I’m not denying that I don’t do this, because I definitely do. To be fair, I don’t blame them for doing this as it just makes things easier. I just don’t understand what I have done wrong.. So I am just going to accept and move on.
I can’t move out because if I do I’m scared I’ll never hear from my dad again, I don’t even know why I care. I also need to pay him rent but it’s extremely hard to do so when you don’t have a job or any money. I’m trying my hardest with this Youtube gig, but doubt anything will ever come from it. I’m too embarrassed to share it on social media, my username isn’t even my name. WHY DO I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK SO MUCH?

This blog post is gonna be a messy one…

I don’t even know if I have depression anymore, apparently it isn’t just depression, it’s a personality disorder. What’s wrong with my personality? Why do I have to be like this? < I always hated that question because if it wasn't me then it would be someone else. I don't feel suicidal anymore, I use to think about killing myself everyday, but now I just feel like I need to keep going, I have to be strong for myself.

I need friends.

I'm depressed

Ergh

I might be back on here later. But for now. Goodbye.

Stopped writing at 22:28pm…

Anti Depressants

Started writing at 21:52…

Ok, I don’t know how to start this post. I wanted to be more active on here and I have completely failed at that, I don’t stick to most things. I am also a very unproductive person. Someone commented on my previous blog post and it honestly made me happy because someone took time out of their day to sit and read my writing, if you’re reading this, thank you.

Soooooo how is my life going at the moment? It’s one complete mess. I have been signed off sick from work for another 6 weeks because of my depression. My dad and step mum don’t agree, they haven’t spoken to me about it and they have been kind of distant. Maybe that’s just my paranoia, I’m not too sure. I am an extremely paranoid person, it’s a massive flaw in my personality. I don’t know, I don’t even know how I feel about living with my dad anymore, I love the freedom I get when I am there but I just feel like I am living with a random family, that aren’t mine. I feel like they’re one family and I am just a roommate, mostly my fault. They all act different around me compared to what they act like with one another. I don’t really know what to do or say about that situation…..

Well another factual fact about my life, I went to the doctors on Monday (when I got signed off) and got a whole new load of anti – depressants, they’re called Sertraline the old ones I was on (which were the first anti – depressants I have ever taken) were called Paroxetine it gave me very bag side effects like the very uncommon side effects, so now I am on these new ones. I don’t know how I feel about them yet, obviously they won’t give the proper effect until a few weeks but the side effects have kicked in already, they’re not too bad. I mean, my stomach always feels swollen and my legs are so itchy but it’s just something I will have to get use to if these tablets are right for me.

Anyway this was just a quick post just to keep active, I am with my lovely boyfriend right now. This is when I feel most productive, he makes me feel so amazing about myself, I am extremely grateful.

End of writing 22:06….

My First Blog Post

Tuesday 27th March starting blog at 12:21am.

Hi, hello..How do you start a blog? Who even is going to read this? Why am I doing this? Spreading my feelings over the internet?

I am not sure how to start a blog, but I guess I will just start typing and see where it goes from there. The reason I have started to write a blog is because diaries are far more easy to lose that a password in this generation, and things on the internet are weirdly easier to hide. I just want to apologise in advance for my lack of amazing English Literature/ Language skills, hopefully writing a blog will improve them? Hmm maybe. So the reason I am starting a blog is because I want to be able to express my feelings, holding them in doesn’t help. People probably won’t even read this, but at least I am trying.

So I guess I shall start with the easiest option because that is what I am like, I never push myself to think outside of the box I am that person who would rather have an easy life than pushing myself to become the best person I can be. So lets start with 10 simple facts about me.

1. I am 17 Years Old, my birthday is 25th July 2000.
2. I am in a relationship, have been for 18 Months.
3. I don’t know what I want from life, I am just kind of living in limbo.
4. I take medication to make myself feel better.
5. I lie a lot.
6. I am a vegetarian.
7. I love writing stories, however I have no motivation in anything so I never finish or stick to them.
8. I haven’t got any friends.
9. I don’t say how I feel to anyone – this ties in with the lying.
10. My parents are divorced.

So there are some 10 facts about me, you might be interested, you might not.

I am extremely depressed. Don’t know why, don’t know how. But I am. My life just doesn’t seem enjoyable anymore, I feel like every day is forced. I hate being like this, I am extremely happy in my relationship with my boyfriend Jake but when he’s not around, I am alone. I become bitter and unhappy, sometimes I lay here just staring at my walls thinking what it would be like if I wasn’t here at all, if I just vanished away from everything. Me and my boyfriend left and never came back. I think that is what I want, but I know it will end in disaster. We are both students with not very good paid jobs so we wouldn’t last long financially. Money Sucks. I just want to go away forever and live a happy life but money is stopping me.  Why does money have to have so much power over our lives? Have you ever watched the film The Beach? The one with Leonardo DiCaprio. If you haven’t then you won’t really understand the feeling, but if you have then listen or read shall I say. After I watched that film I thought it was weird and I didn’t enjoy it but over the weeks after watching it, I have realised that that would be my dream to go to another island where money isn’t powering our lives with other people who feel the same. Be surrounded with free spirited people, and just appreciate everything we have got. I love to just start again, with my boyfriend. Find somewhere fresh together. Maybe I am just dreaming, a lot of people say I am a dreamer. But one thing I definitely know is that I am unhappy here, in the place I am in now, the people that are in this place, the close – minded people…

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to cope. But I guess this is a start, this is my corner, my blog. My life. I don’t know how frequent I will be posting on here. But I know it’s a start.

Finished blog 12:46am.